Part II
Christ died in a stream of fire today
Burning all the way to the ground
When he hit the ground, the Earth began to weep
The tears of the sky came through the rocks and trees
A dying thought and the maggots came
They ate his body and took his flesh
The dark soul that I thought was responsible fled
Running to another place
Alone I stare at the body of the Christ
The pounding sounds begin to drive
The stars and moon come at me with a greater and more ferocious furry than
I thought possible
The sun has long since shined and the purple black sky reminds me
That Christ has died
He lays helpless on the dirt and rocks
No grass in this field
The cold and eerie desolate gray
Begins to creep
The savior is gone, free from the pain
But I am still here crying and screaming
And now I am bleeding
My mouth is dry
I haven’t eaten today
What will be of this world?
Numbers and fire
His dirty hair all black
His beaten face and dark sunken eyes
The teeth rotten and black where they have fallen
The skin cut to the bone
His shriveled frame
The devil did not do this, God did
What evil I thought would flee was not real
Sitting here this is where Heaven was born
Above the dirt, underneath the thorns
Sittin here with blood from where I cut over my heart
On my side from where I wanted Christ to find
With pupils now dilated from pills
Naked in a mirror
The healing cuts of death and kill inscribed on my thighs
From the other night when I wanted him to die
When all you are told about changes
To say this is Good and Evil
This is why we pray
This is what will make you happy
This is how you get to Heaven
This is why you go to Hell
The long list of things that are evil
The things that are good and noble
The miracles we believe, the religion we keep
The faith and morals
When these get lost and are not seen
What do we have to believe
Masturbating instead of sex
Desire to do drugs,
The tattoos and cuts
And anger and hate
All the things that they say are good
Where are they?
I am made to feel a life of sin
The things I believe are seen as evil
I do not believe in the Bible
The words hold no meaning, the Christ I thought was
Real has only fled
My God is invisible and I can't find what it is they say
The desire to death and that darkness
Is it real or good and evil?
Where am I now?
I like this feeling of being gone, my eyes glassy
The music solemn
Not happy or sad
Just nothing
For the shaman who can feel the future
Things take on a quality of up and down
Open and closed
Most everything is a path
To see that everything will be alright
And the doors will open to the rooms where we will be happy
And the others that will never be opened, the ones that lead up, down
The ones with pain and nothing to gain
So when something comes that is neither good or bad
And does not lead anywhere
It is a state of nothing
A room with no doors
This is just the present
No emotions coming
No past, no memories
The state of now and forever
What actions then
To bleed with intention of evil
But to find none
Nothing assigning the feelings or emotions
To the actions and belief
I am a shaman
I am a warrior for God
There are sides in a fight
So I must see what is good and evil
In a world of spirits and feelings
The invoking of other beings
The belief that the devil can create
Then I am fighting against it
But this war is strange because
What I believe as a shaman is different from what is Christian
In my human body I feel guilt and shame for believing and loving
And takin comfort in things that I feel as evil, but know to be good
Who assign these things?
Death, pain, darkness, cold, fear
Why are these things bad?
If this is what Christ died in and for
Death was life in heaven
Pain was knowing you are alive
If there is no pain then you have nothing there
Darkness a place to sleep, dieing light from day
When the body begins to sweat, and the world turns
Spinning, and crushing ready for you to empty your stomach
That diseased and festering hot room
The cold brings back life, and whispers "it's alright"
And fear to overcome, to do what is right and true
Fear in the way is letting something detour you
So then if these things are true and noble
Then much of my life has been virtuous
But all the time I was mistaking it for demons
If the way of God is the way of Christ
Then the opposite would be the devil
It is a concern of mine because
I am a warrior of God and need to know
Where I am
To be comfortable in hell
And give false direction would be a bad thing to do
Somehow I feel that being comfortable and pain free
Is to give into something
To take yourself off and out of the darkness
It to take yourself out of the fight
To give into you human weakness
In these dark horrid lands I must be fighting
I must be doing the work of God
No surrendering, no breaks
So much art of works done feeling the pain
Seemingly feeling the demon
But that’s how God works
I am incapable of feeling with my heart
So I must use other things to feel and see
For I am a shaman who can see what is to be
A confusing journey that not need be
Christ died and still I am not free
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